Mr. Kidzrguna Dy, a resident in East Dallas recently completed his goal of building a 3x3 foot miniature basketball court model in his backyard. He created the model to help him plan the layout of his brand-new 3x3 mile McDonalds that he's planning to build this fall. When we asked how a tiny basketball court model was relevant to the plans of a huge-arse McDonald's, he stated "Ga Floogiboo, ma tel kooni ma raptur asian." That was enough to convince us that his plan was a streak of genius.

His miniature b-ball court seemed to be going off without a hitch, until his neighbor reported that a gang of killer pidgeons had invaded the court and started gang wars. We were able to record the pidgeons via a hidden camera, and got proof of what happened. We are lucky enough to have a friend down here at Erazats who transforms into a pidgeon by night, named Isucko. We sent him in to get killed *cough* uh, excuse me, to get DETAILS about the gangs that were hangin' out in the courts. Here's what we captured from a tape recorder that we strapped to Isucko:

Isucko: Yo wazzup PIDGEZ?!
(Right then, a pidgeon the size of a deflated balloon tackled our feeble Isucko and cornered him, threatening to peck)
Isucko: Yo what is yo NAME?! Man back up OFFA me dawg!
Pidd-G: My name's Pidd-G, what's yours? Stringcepts?
Isucko: HAH! Oh man that was clever! *sniffle sniffle* Ooooh you got me man. But really, it's Isucko. I'm here wundrin about yo bizness up in here. Dis place aint' yours! DIS MY HOUSE!
Pidd-G: Oh, oh my goodness. I am. So. Sorry. Like, we thought this was a free party or something. We -TOTALLY- are SOOOO sorry.
Isucko: E-excuse me?
Pidd-G: COME ON GIRLS! WE'RE LEAVING! Ugh. I am DONE. I am SO. DONE. PMS is about to kick in. Better run while ya can.
Isucko: Uh...okay. Bye.

Isucko has been stuck in pidgeon form ever since. But hey, we're not complaining. The PMSing pidgeon pansy pack headed out and caused various trouble around the neighborhood, including eating all of the fattest man in the worlds' stash of ice cream. The fat man got pissed and fell over on his dog, who promptly yelped, fell out a window, and smashed a bystanding Gnome. Another Gnome came from nowhere and threw the dog at an old lady and well...yeah. You can guess the rest.


...Wow, I'm really craving some ice cream right now.

This morning, British gang "Da Gurli Men," consisting of the Gurli brothers, released their new classical album entitled "U R Gona B Dead". The record company that they were working with almost didn't accept the title, but the owner of the label says they threatened him by claiming "If U Dun Release Us We Will Make U Dead."
The group has had about $22 in sales since this morning, which is over 1.5 million records. They started to wonder why they were making more money selling fake drugs ("plaster crack") than selling 1.5 million albums. Their manager, J.D. Snoop Brotha Homie 75 Cent G, told us that since he uses an "Apple CrappingtonBook," a decimal point and about 4 zeroes were added in before the retail price. Apple denies that it was their fault, and say that he was probably drunk when he made this "error". Apple is suing J.D. Snoop Brotha for publically insulting their CrappingtonBook line, and is also renaming the line of computers to iSuck.

This article was submitted by Bush, we swear. Yeah, we know it sucks. We expected it.
*runs*

My liver has exploded and I have been put into a coma. I won't be able to write unti tomorrow. Sorry I let you down, kids.

Today, a Cheese Curls representative held a press conference about the new chemical that has been added to Cheese Curls. He said the following: "This new formula is designed to increase the snack's appeal, as well as reduce fatty contents in it." He says that profits are expected to hit the roof in the coming months. The only disadvantage in this new chemical is that it causes a deadly reaction in people with names starting with the letter "B." The reason for this reaction is not known, but scientists do know that the Curls can give godlike powers to people whose names start with the prefix "Pgx". The new Curls will be in stores two weeks from the date of this post, so if your name starts with B you better stock up on the old ones while they last!

In fact, over the past two days, huge riots have broken out in several supermarkets over the fact that the soon to be out of date curls were out of stock. In one case, the amount of people was so large that the floor collapsed and they all fell below ground. It took rescue teams thirteen hours and many forklifts to get everyone out safely. A homeless bystander had this to say: "Oh man, they peoples was fat!"

Oh, right, here's a reminder for all of our readers: Don't eat a banana if it has brown spots. I almost threw up all over an old lady yesterday because I ate a browning banana.

(Sorry for the lack of good content. Come on, it's 10PM, I'm freakin tired. Good stuff tomorrow <3)

SkamiCo (NYSE: SKAM) has released a new technology that prevents their products from going near products made by other companies. SkamiTensils, a subdivision of SkamiCo, makes virtually every utensil you can imagine, with the exception of serving spoons. Surveys show that 90% of families all over the Earth use SkamiTensils for eating. Out of those people, 77% of them use serving spoons. This means that 69.3% of the world's population (assuming all of these people buy new SkamiTensils) will no longer be able to use serving spoons within 20ft. of any of their SkamiTensils.

For comsumers, this may not be a problem. One man said, "We'll just switch to serving forks, oruse a large Skami-spoon." Many people agree with this man's statements, and have no problem getting rid of their serving spoons.

This matter, however, has severely affected Swedish company NYKEA. The owner of the company, Schazinjertux Vequosintongadingle, had the following to say: "It has only been two weeks since SkamiTensils' new product releases, and our profits have dropped by over 70%! We need to create some type of deal with them to--" In the middle of our interview, Mr. Vequosintongadingle was knocked unconcious by a falling box of serving spoons.

Here's the bottom line: You're better off just not buying SkamiTensils. The name of the company sounds suspiciously like "scammy," so they're not ones to be trusted. In addition, here at Erazats News, we believe in serving spoons more that we believe in God. Every time a serving spoon is thown away, a puppie falls down a long flight of stairs into a coma. Please, think of the puppies.

No, nobody died. We're both still here. We'd been writing so many articles for the past few days that our brains had just given up. Fortunately, for whatever number of readers we may have, there's some new content coming up later today. Keep a look out!

Merry christmas.

Trash, however wondrous and orgasmic it may seem, is just plain dirty. Lately, many Los Angeles residents have been spotted licking trash for money, and littering because they're too lazy to find a Republican. Er, a trash can. You may think you're "cool" by being "bad" and "naughty" with your "friends" and your dirty "litter," but the fact is that you're just being bad people. If you're in doubt, here's an example:

Please, don't doubt this chart. It was generated by the experts at Staples (That was easy!)

Oh, and stop littering or the homeless will kill all humans on Earth. Seriously. Stop it.

A little background about the 'Word of the Week': Two weeks in a row now, I've had an odd problem with trying to say two words (that have the same meaning) at once. When I try to say one of the words, they seem to somehow fuse together and become a completely different word. This week:

specifiular (v; spuss-iff-you-lurr): To be specific and particular simultaneously.

This year's winner of the Japanese Artistry School's Drawing Championship was a flea ("Jonothan Kyutass" pictured, left). The flea outdrew three world-class artists, and a clone of Pablo Picasso, which was a mistake created by a crazy Japanese scientist. The flea said the following; "I'm dearly thankful to be able to win this award. My father won it five years in a row, and his dream was to carry on being a great artist. Soon, that became my dream and look where I am now. It's such an honor to be the son of the amazing Seiksi Kyutass."

Life for Joseph is not as glamorous as you may think, however. Being a flea, it's very challenging for him to interact with normal humans. Here's what he had to say about this: "I almost get killed every day. Seriously. Most people just think I'm some disease-hoarding flee, until they learn who I am. Recently, my manager Jerry has helped me create a way of survival. (pictured below). If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here."

Our reporters had an interview set up, but right as we were ready to ask him some questions, his manager told us that he was going to be late for his weekly artists' club. We greeted them off and thanked them for their time. It had truly been amazing to see the wonderful Jonothan Kyutass. You can read Jonothan's Blog at http://www.you-shouldnt-click-here-because-it-wont-take-you-anywhere.net/JKyutass.

Have you ever been on a schoolbus? Well, for a large number of American children bewteen ages 5 to 17, the answer is "yes." Recent studies show that schoolbuses, due to untuned shocks and rattling components, may drop kids' IQ by over 15 points. In the United States, this is starting to become a big problem. Our K-12 test averages are over 20% lower than the ones of British students, who, sometimes, are reported to ride talking donkeys to school. These donkeys are specially trained to help the children study for tests and quizzes, and finish up homework they may have forgotten to do the previous night because they had a life *cough*. These donkeys may range from $67,000 to $240,000 (converted to US $), but since the stereotype these days (which we're going to follow) is that all British people are rich bastards with an IQ of 3,000, affording these specially trained donkeys is a sinch.

This Friday, I interviewed educational analyst Ihaet Shildrun, who commented on the following: "I think American kida are dumb cause out public schools suck. In Russia, where I come from, our public schools are 5x smaller than yours, and spend over $35,000 less per year per 10 students. [Hysterical laugh] Oh man, you guys were like, hit by the retarded bus....AHAHAH! No but seriously, your school suck."

Ihaet was promptly fired from The Retired Firefighter and Waitress Program for Educational Analysts.

We've got a domain!
http://www.erazats.com/

So, I created this logo... I'm thinking of adding "World News for the Hopless" on either side, but not quite yet. What does everyone think? Sexy, eh? The planet took me like an hour to make @_@.

Earlier this week, a cop standing by a convenice store spotted a man with a gun trying to rob a senior citizen. The cop immediately took action, running to the scene, holding his gun up to the robber's head, and yelling "freeze!" The cop's speech was slurred, as reported an innocent bystander, and the robber interpreted it as "trees." The cop had been frantically chewing a donut as he spoke, and this was the cause of his misunderstoon words. Speedily jumping to avoid what the robber thought was a "falling tree," shots were fired. Nobody was hurt. Moments later, the cop, Sir Dubal Haumaside, inhaled a piece of the donut and started to choke. The cop, thinking the robber was trying to get away, fired shots. He could not control his shots, for the choking was disrupting his thoughts. He fired 17 shots. Two hit the robber, three hit the senior citizen, and seven hit a huge bear that was tearing down random tall buildings.

The officer was later interviewed. When asked about the shots he fired, he replied "It was like the donut was taking over my brain. I couldn't control any parts of my body. I was completely possesed!"

Fellow officers hurried to the scene or the crime and found a helfly depleted donut sitting right where the officer's footprints stood. The donut's hearing will be on March 23rd, 2008. It is charged for a double homocide and the killing of an endangered species. The donut could spend up to 160 years or life in prison.